I’ve been pondering a cauliflower for the past week. I’m not a veggie-perv and I am not considering a move toward becoming a vegetarian, it’s just something I bought instead of broccoli, something that’s supposed to be “good for me”. Whether it is or not "good for me" is immaterial; what matters is that it makes me feel good for having bought a cauliflower, thereby raising me up from the ignominious doldrums of my usual diet of chicken fingers, instant soup, frozen pizza, and salami-and-cheese-on-crackers. With the purchase of this cauliflower I feel as if I’ve attained a mantel of moral superiority to my fellow man, nay, even a rosy-cheeked blush of healthitude simply by possessing this cauliflower. The difficulty lies in deciding what to do with it, and when to do it.
For all intents and purposes, I could easily enjoy this cauliflower just sitting here gazing at it, but then nobody would know that I did the right thing (ie: bought a vegetable). But what if I invited some people over and cooked the cauliflower (however one prepares such things) and it turned out that they don’t particularly fancy cauliflower, but if I’d only served them broccoli, we could have been BFFs? And what if the cauliflower I bought isn’t totally mature? Would my friends hold look at me with shame and derision in their eyes, castigating me for NOT KNOWING THE DIFFERENCE? So many opportunities to go astray, when before I thought it was “only” a vegetable. Wouldn’t my life be much better off if I just chucked the cauliflower in the trash bin and bought a bag of potato pom-poms instead? Probably, but that would do nothing to assuage my existential curiosity and search for answers.
It’s been said that a man’s character can be defined by how he reacts to such crises of confidence. If this is true, maybe my character might just turn out to be okay. Rather than get mired down in a morass of cauliflower angst, I began thinking of this brain-shaped vegetable as I might think of a bottle of wine. I went through a phase of vinous uncertainty a number of years ago, back when every wine decision was fraught with indecision, worry, and doubt. Fortunately, a wise and wizened winegeek noticed my dilemma and advised that, when in doubt about anything having to do with wine, JUST OPEN THE GODDAMN BOTTLE! He was right – there’s nothing better to instill confidence and wisdom in oneself than to experience things firsthand. And besides, it's not like I was charging my guests to drink with me - it's free education, and we're all learning together, right?
Reading about a wine (or a cauliflower)(or angst) is all well and good but nothing beats first-person familiarity with the topic at hand. Nine times out of ten, the people you’re afraid about doing the wrong thing in front of are just as fearful as you are when it comes to wine, cauliflower, rocket science, neurosurgery, or anything else not easily learned about while watching a TV reality show. There's a lot to be said for perspective - the longterm ramifications of screwing up by selecting the wrong wine with the wrong cauliflower recipe are not as dire as the ramifications of botching rocket science or neurosurgury, so take a chance. Open that Torbreck RunRig Shiraz with your fish 'n' chips, and let your imagination run wild and discover how and why (or why not) an Alsace Gewurztraminer works with a grilled ribeye. Hell, you might even find a wine that works with cauliflower.....